Half love????

 So I have been accused of loving too much. Of giving myself too much to the people I love. And I have been asking myself this question: Since when you half love someone? 

My mom always told me... u need to learn not to give yourself to other people. I am not talking sexually, but giving all your heart, time, sacrifice, thoughts, respect, attention, etc to others. How do u not do that when u love someone? How can u control ur love and do things half way? How can you sacrifice, but not too much. How do u half take care of someone. I dont understand how do you do that. However, it seems everybody does that. 

I guess my problem is that Ive never been thought how to half love someone. I have been raised with the thought that if you do something, u do it well. And I always tried to apply it to everything, including love. If you love someone you do it the best you can, and with all your strength. What is wrong with that? I dont understand. Is there a book or a rule about how to love someone intensely but not much?? Ridiculous. The mere idea is soo absurd to me. But, again, Ive never been thought how to do that... so maybe I am the on that is wrong. Am I?

People are not used to receive a full blast of love. They are not. I mean, they are good receiving it, but not reciprocate it. It's nice to be loved, and pampered, and feel like the most important person in the world...at least for one person. It is a nice feeling.  I wouldn't mind feeling that way from someone that is not my parents. That must be nice. Feel so loved that someone would do anything for you, sacrifice everything, be there always.. and not half there. Not be there when is convenient, or when is necessary.

Love is a complicated thing. I guess after 34 years... I dont get it. Maybe I would never get it. Maybe I have been doing it all wrong... hence everything that happens. Maybe. Who knows. My new mission is to learn to half love, maybe half loving someone would hurt less. Maybe. Who knows. I think my kids are the one deserving of my full love. Unconditional love. That is full love.

If you are half loving... u should learn how to fully love someone. To give yourself to someone, to make someone else happy (other than urself). You will see... if its mutual... It must be nice

fin!

Divorce and crap!

I havent written anything in this blog for a reaaaally long time. And Im doing it in english in case my parents get in and read it. I dont like it when they read sad things about me.

But oh well... It is 2020 and after so many adventures, Emmanuel and I decided to get divorce. After 9 years of marriage, 2 kids, 2 house, 6 cars jaja... we decided to end this stupid adventure we decided to travel together.

Divorce sucks! I think enough time has already passed to have gotten over it. But the feelings left behind are the ones that hurt the most. 

So I dont want to get into details about my stupid divorce, but I do want to write about those feelings left in me. Those feelings that dont let me get up in the morning, those feeling that comes to my heart and mind EVERYTIME something major happens. Those feelings that probably will stay with me until the day I day, but I fight them all the time.

The biggest feeling I fight is the feeling of "not being enough." That stupid feeling that makes me feel so crappy in EVER SINGLE AREA OF MY LIFE. Sometimes I think "why getting up? If you are not enough for this world." Yes, those thoughts are very alive in my head. It is just when they get too intense that I seek for help. However, they are there. I make mistakes (as any other person) and then I think "PFF you are not a good enough mom.... or you are not a good enough friend... or you are not good enough gf... you are not worth the effort, you are not worth the attention, you are not worth of anyone's love." It is a stupid feeling, I know, but tell that to my heart who aches sooo much every time something happens. Tell that my brain that fights me with so many logics to defend and defeat such thoughts. It is such a constant struggle. I get tired. Yes, I do get tired. Many would say "don't give up, keep fighting. You are such an amazing woman. We admire you" Oh! if you could see the mess I am in my head. I dont think that is worth any admiration.

The sad thing of all this is that I cant stop crying. Stupid tears! I cry so often, every night. With no one to help me out in my lowest moments. Only HF is there for me when I feel sooo crappy. However, sometimes the sadness is too big. When bad things happen to me... I feel I deserve them. When I have to make big decisions, I make the wrong ones... bc I don't deserve nothing good in my life. How sad is that.

But is is ok. I bet if someone reads this they will think I am in a really bad place trying to xxx myself. That is not the case. I already passed that stage. Sometimes the thought gets in my brain, but I've learned how to defuse it. However, I haven't learned how to be happy still. I thought i did, but no. I put myself up with a very unstable foundation. That is why, when something bad happens... I crumble. Even when life gets a little hard on me, I crumble. 

Now, the good part. The good thing is that no matter how many times I crumble. No matter how many times I cry and feel like crap, I get up. Why? Because of my kids. As simple as that. I cry alone at nights, because i dont want them to see me crying. I struggle alone, because i want them to see me strong everyday. I have my days, but I try to hide it as much as I can. Because they deserve to be happy. They deserve EVERYTHING good! So I fight for that. I get up every morning for them. I live for them. I am ok with whatever as long as we are together.

Ok... End of the post. Such crappy writting. I needed to write bc my heart hurts. Literally hurts. I may not be enough for my ex, or for my bf, or for my friends... but my kids are more than enough for me!

THE END!